Looking back

It’s a strange thing, life that is. Things change, sometimes all so suddenly and we’re afraid of changes. Well, isn’t everyone? I’ve spent so much of my life, even though I am relatively young in poverty. I grew up lower-working class and I’ve gotten used to that life, even if at times the hatred and anxiety got the best of me. A month ago I took a rather large step in my life. I passed the seminars and tests that were thrown at me and I’ve passed. I’ve acquired a license to work as a security guard, something my father did as well, years before me. It’s a strange feeling really. I hardly felt anything when I passed, like just any other test in school. Today, I got the job. I’m happy, though I cannot show it. I don’t know why and it’s bothering me. The whole thing is so surreal and I still haven’t gotten it into my head, that maybe all these hard times would come to an end or at least, get a little better. Somehow, it feels too good to be true. This isn’t just any job, it’s a real one and not a student one where you could fuck around and not give two shits if you were fired the next day. You have this responsibility now and your job is to protect people and valuables. I never really thought how that could be dangerous until now. I identify as a punk rocker and I’ll always be that until the day I die. Security guards to me were just a step bellow a cop, someone who abuses their power in any way shape or form that they please and will have great pleasure in fucking up your day.
As a security guard now, I got more respect for others of the same calling now. I still dislike cops, but not all cops are bad, that’s something we learn with age, though my point still stands.
To be completely honest, I’m scared and I’m nervous. Suddenly, I have a lot more responsibility and all people I have to protect. Deep inside I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake, that I won’t act fast enough or won’t know how to act or react at all. I’m afraid of making mistakes. Under normal circumstances, that’d be okay. It’s human after all. Though now, so many other things are on the line and my life can to be in danger. I’m anxious, I don’t feel ready and I have no self-confidence. Living life as an outsider to any society and sub-culture is completely different from this. As I got my uniform, I almost feel a sense of belonging, a sense of pride and respect. I never thought I would feel this way and am still trying to wrap my head around it. I want to understand it better, I want to grow as a person and I’m only limited by my own mind. I only wish this won’t mess up my head and make me lose track of my life, make me lose track of what’s most important to me and strip me of all of my joy; what little I have of it. It’s hard for me to concentrate sometimes, my mind wanders into all different places. Sometimes, time seems to be slowing down, yet it’s moving so fast. I was never good at taking orders and now I’m paid to do so. I don’t want to be controlled and I don’t want to be commanded. Still, this isn’t the army, so I can be glad about that. But it is the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m on my own now and I alone answer for my actions. That would be fine, I’ve done that before, though now there isn’t only my life on the line. I’m not protecting a bank or some big shot celebrity, but even convenient stores get robbed and somebody tries to play the hero.
I just hope that I’ll never have to do that.

Advertisements