Recap And Further Thoughts

I guess it’s a typical thing when people start to blog, for whatever their reason might be, that they’ll always have those periods of time where they will just seem to disappear from the face of the earth, never to post again. Luckily for me, I am still alive, and I guess it’s about time for a recap.

In later December of 2013 I got a job, a real job, my first real job. Admitedly, because of the nature of the job I was nervous, I was anxious, I was scared. Once you get used to a new enviorment and the co-workers, things start rolling slowly but surely along. The place I work at is a semi shopping mall along with other small stores surrounding it. Behind it is a very popular drining spot and has been since the late ’70’s. Things haven’t really changed since then, besides that the numbers have increased over the years. Friday’s and Saturday’s at times, seem like judgment day. In a limited space the number of occupies increases to 200. 200 against 1. It makes people laugh or snort when I mention it, always asking the same questions; “You’re not alone are you?”, “Yeah but the pay is good right?”, “Why do you care so much?”

Well, conincidentally I have the answers to all of these questions, in a way anyways.
Are you alone? Yes, it is only you, the place you are guarding and over 200 potential threats right outside and you cannot trust anyone. They can act as your friends or even pretend to sympathize with you, but they can never understand you until they actually step in your shoes and experience it for themselves what kind of pressure and stress you’re under.
Needless to say, the pay isn’t worth it. Minimal wage for that amount of strees and responsibility is needless to say, illegal. What can be done about that thought? Well, a lone man can do nothing by himself. There are others that have been cheated like that, the one’s who fought against it all and lost. It seems the weaker always lose and the little bit stronger offer calming words and false promises of change. Drugs and alcohol mixes pay a large part in this game. The kids do anything for a quick high and they become unstable and uncontrolable. Alarms going off, broken windows, fights breaking out etc. If you allow yourself to get distracted, you will make mistakes, and sometimes such mistakes cost a lot. Though, we are human and humans will make mistakes.

As for the last one, why do I care so much? Sense of responsibility, I guess. It’s not really a proper answer but it’s what I’d like to believe. I feel like if I don’t put any effort in it, I’m not doing my job correctly and I’m letting someone down. I hate myself for it. There are a lot of times where I wish that I could simply say “I don’t give a fuck” and what happens, happens but, things aren’t always as simple as they seem. A lot of people deal with problems in their own way if they indeed chose to deal with them.
With a stressful job obviously comes stress. Fatigue follows and unbalance isn’t far behind. I’m safe to say that this job is ruining my life…and yet it’s what I have to survive.
I remember the summer before that and the year before that. No matter how poor I was, I could still find happiness in something. I had a band and I created music. I got my fair share of making some kind of progess and a sense that I actually accomplished something. Now, that thrill is gone. Inspiration becomes very hard to come by, especially when you’re so used to getting it every few days and you were able to create whatever your mind could come up with. Now, for the last few months I come home and all I can think about is laying in my bed and trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep; hopefully not thinking 12 hours ahead when I’ll have to do it all over again.
I’m more prone to anger I’ve noticed, but then again I’ve always been angry and easily provoked. Now more than ever it seems to be showing. I lose my temper more than I’d like to. I yell more than I’d like to and a lot of times other people aren’t at fault as much as I make myself believe that they are. The smallest things can and will sent you in a frenzy. The worst part about it is the recap afterwards, when you realize what kind of person you have become and the things that you’re doing, yet, you have no answer on how to change it. You lose control when you get provoked while you’re trying not to get provoked. You feel like you failed and you feel bad about it afterwards. I honestly try not to think about it, which of course means it’s all I can think about.

Having the ability to somehow disconnect is golden. Luckily for me, I have games to play where I can get into them and just for a short time I don’t have to be on Earth anymore. I don’t have to be myself anymore. I can be whatever I wish to be and I can create the world where I find peace and love. While that is all comforting when in action, it also sacrifices my sleep and sleep is something you need and crave for. Being awake for so long will do no good for your brain. Imagine a scenario where you finished a night shift but have important matters to take care of. Matters that take all day and before you know it, its the evening again and you have to return to your post. You have to survive all night and not fall asleep and still be concentrated. The world is suddenly slowing down and everything you see become blurry.

My sleep schedule remains at 4-5 hours a night. I’m either working or doing everything else just to not think about my job.
At the end of the day, the question “Is this all worth it?” comes up. A lot of people argue otherwise, but a lot of people have different goals or objectives. I have my own goals and objectives. Things I’d like to do, things I’d like to experience and things I’d like to feel. It’s a shame that that’s how it is nowadays and how it always was and will be.

I guess that’s the way the world is. Money, money, money makes the world go round.

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