Recap And Further Thoughts

I guess it’s a typical thing when people start to blog, for whatever their reason might be, that they’ll always have those periods of time where they will just seem to disappear from the face of the earth, never to post again. Luckily for me, I am still alive, and I guess it’s about time for a recap.

In later December of 2013 I got a job, a real job, my first real job. Admitedly, because of the nature of the job I was nervous, I was anxious, I was scared. Once you get used to a new enviorment and the co-workers, things start rolling slowly but surely along. The place I work at is a semi shopping mall along with other small stores surrounding it. Behind it is a very popular drining spot and has been since the late ’70’s. Things haven’t really changed since then, besides that the numbers have increased over the years. Friday’s and Saturday’s at times, seem like judgment day. In a limited space the number of occupies increases to 200. 200 against 1. It makes people laugh or snort when I mention it, always asking the same questions; “You’re not alone are you?”, “Yeah but the pay is good right?”, “Why do you care so much?”

Well, conincidentally I have the answers to all of these questions, in a way anyways.
Are you alone? Yes, it is only you, the place you are guarding and over 200 potential threats right outside and you cannot trust anyone. They can act as your friends or even pretend to sympathize with you, but they can never understand you until they actually step in your shoes and experience it for themselves what kind of pressure and stress you’re under.
Needless to say, the pay isn’t worth it. Minimal wage for that amount of strees and responsibility is needless to say, illegal. What can be done about that thought? Well, a lone man can do nothing by himself. There are others that have been cheated like that, the one’s who fought against it all and lost. It seems the weaker always lose and the little bit stronger offer calming words and false promises of change. Drugs and alcohol mixes pay a large part in this game. The kids do anything for a quick high and they become unstable and uncontrolable. Alarms going off, broken windows, fights breaking out etc. If you allow yourself to get distracted, you will make mistakes, and sometimes such mistakes cost a lot. Though, we are human and humans will make mistakes.

As for the last one, why do I care so much? Sense of responsibility, I guess. It’s not really a proper answer but it’s what I’d like to believe. I feel like if I don’t put any effort in it, I’m not doing my job correctly and I’m letting someone down. I hate myself for it. There are a lot of times where I wish that I could simply say “I don’t give a fuck” and what happens, happens but, things aren’t always as simple as they seem. A lot of people deal with problems in their own way if they indeed chose to deal with them.
With a stressful job obviously comes stress. Fatigue follows and unbalance isn’t far behind. I’m safe to say that this job is ruining my life…and yet it’s what I have to survive.
I remember the summer before that and the year before that. No matter how poor I was, I could still find happiness in something. I had a band and I created music. I got my fair share of making some kind of progess and a sense that I actually accomplished something. Now, that thrill is gone. Inspiration becomes very hard to come by, especially when you’re so used to getting it every few days and you were able to create whatever your mind could come up with. Now, for the last few months I come home and all I can think about is laying in my bed and trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep; hopefully not thinking 12 hours ahead when I’ll have to do it all over again.
I’m more prone to anger I’ve noticed, but then again I’ve always been angry and easily provoked. Now more than ever it seems to be showing. I lose my temper more than I’d like to. I yell more than I’d like to and a lot of times other people aren’t at fault as much as I make myself believe that they are. The smallest things can and will sent you in a frenzy. The worst part about it is the recap afterwards, when you realize what kind of person you have become and the things that you’re doing, yet, you have no answer on how to change it. You lose control when you get provoked while you’re trying not to get provoked. You feel like you failed and you feel bad about it afterwards. I honestly try not to think about it, which of course means it’s all I can think about.

Having the ability to somehow disconnect is golden. Luckily for me, I have games to play where I can get into them and just for a short time I don’t have to be on Earth anymore. I don’t have to be myself anymore. I can be whatever I wish to be and I can create the world where I find peace and love. While that is all comforting when in action, it also sacrifices my sleep and sleep is something you need and crave for. Being awake for so long will do no good for your brain. Imagine a scenario where you finished a night shift but have important matters to take care of. Matters that take all day and before you know it, its the evening again and you have to return to your post. You have to survive all night and not fall asleep and still be concentrated. The world is suddenly slowing down and everything you see become blurry.

My sleep schedule remains at 4-5 hours a night. I’m either working or doing everything else just to not think about my job.
At the end of the day, the question “Is this all worth it?” comes up. A lot of people argue otherwise, but a lot of people have different goals or objectives. I have my own goals and objectives. Things I’d like to do, things I’d like to experience and things I’d like to feel. It’s a shame that that’s how it is nowadays and how it always was and will be.

I guess that’s the way the world is. Money, money, money makes the world go round.


Looking back

It’s a strange thing, life that is. Things change, sometimes all so suddenly and we’re afraid of changes. Well, isn’t everyone? I’ve spent so much of my life, even though I am relatively young in poverty. I grew up lower-working class and I’ve gotten used to that life, even if at times the hatred and anxiety got the best of me. A month ago I took a rather large step in my life. I passed the seminars and tests that were thrown at me and I’ve passed. I’ve acquired a license to work as a security guard, something my father did as well, years before me. It’s a strange feeling really. I hardly felt anything when I passed, like just any other test in school. Today, I got the job. I’m happy, though I cannot show it. I don’t know why and it’s bothering me. The whole thing is so surreal and I still haven’t gotten it into my head, that maybe all these hard times would come to an end or at least, get a little better. Somehow, it feels too good to be true. This isn’t just any job, it’s a real one and not a student one where you could fuck around and not give two shits if you were fired the next day. You have this responsibility now and your job is to protect people and valuables. I never really thought how that could be dangerous until now. I identify as a punk rocker and I’ll always be that until the day I die. Security guards to me were just a step bellow a cop, someone who abuses their power in any way shape or form that they please and will have great pleasure in fucking up your day.
As a security guard now, I got more respect for others of the same calling now. I still dislike cops, but not all cops are bad, that’s something we learn with age, though my point still stands.
To be completely honest, I’m scared and I’m nervous. Suddenly, I have a lot more responsibility and all people I have to protect. Deep inside I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake, that I won’t act fast enough or won’t know how to act or react at all. I’m afraid of making mistakes. Under normal circumstances, that’d be okay. It’s human after all. Though now, so many other things are on the line and my life can to be in danger. I’m anxious, I don’t feel ready and I have no self-confidence. Living life as an outsider to any society and sub-culture is completely different from this. As I got my uniform, I almost feel a sense of belonging, a sense of pride and respect. I never thought I would feel this way and am still trying to wrap my head around it. I want to understand it better, I want to grow as a person and I’m only limited by my own mind. I only wish this won’t mess up my head and make me lose track of my life, make me lose track of what’s most important to me and strip me of all of my joy; what little I have of it. It’s hard for me to concentrate sometimes, my mind wanders into all different places. Sometimes, time seems to be slowing down, yet it’s moving so fast. I was never good at taking orders and now I’m paid to do so. I don’t want to be controlled and I don’t want to be commanded. Still, this isn’t the army, so I can be glad about that. But it is the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m on my own now and I alone answer for my actions. That would be fine, I’ve done that before, though now there isn’t only my life on the line. I’m not protecting a bank or some big shot celebrity, but even convenient stores get robbed and somebody tries to play the hero.
I just hope that I’ll never have to do that.

Madness of the Autumn

“It’s madness” I sometimes tell myself. Around me. Around us. The world. Our lives. Sometimes I tell myself I’m special. Not to distinguish myself from the rest of the people and feel different, that odd feeling of pride. Not at all. When the madness strikes in, weather you’re on a substance of your choice, even if that substance is a few days of staying awake. Not sleeping, that is my drug. It keeps me going, like gasoline inside me burning. I don’t know why and I question it lots of times, but end up drawing a blank. So why do I think I’m special? I don’t know. It’s not an ego thing. I swear. Like a cloud floating around, without direction and without shape, my mind goes all around. Where is my mind? Where? Hell if I know. Under  pressure, under water. In a flow somewhere probably. Where all the junk is stored and all the thoughts like computer code flow through it. Sometimes when it’s late at night, which is when I work, I watch the smoke from my cigarette flow around the room and eventually disappear. There’s something mystifying about it. Again I don’t know why. I wouldn’t describe myself as a deep person, just slightly twisted. I think of Autumn a lot. It’s that time of the year when it’s almost here and I’m ready to once again great it like a best friend returning from a long trip, only the days I spend with it get shorter every year. It’s sad, but it’s so beautiful. I call it beautiful, because there isn’t any other word for me to describe it. If it’s raining or the sun is out. Doesn’t matter, it’s Autumn and for me, that’s the ultimate and complete freedom. It’s the color of orange and when I wake up, that’s all I can think about. I smile widely and sometimes laugh at it. Strange isn’t it? It’s like magic and it has that effect on me. It convinces me that I can write the most amazing song or the most amazing book. And the wind. Ah yes, the wind. I hear music in it. It’s that tone. Just the right one. Like scratching a puppy’s belly. Hits the spot and I can breathe. All the chains that bound you, hold you down, tare your whole soul and being apart, for a short time, loosen. They’re invisible or they disappear for those few days. I only wish that it would stay a lot longer. My friend. My lover. My muse. My power. I bet, if you’re reading this, whoever you are, it might not make sense to you and I don’t blame you. I still like you. But to those who understand it and can relate, I have a request. I’d like to hear your side of it. How do you feel about it? What does it make you do? Are you happy or sad? Tell me the tale and I will listen to every single one.
At times, I do feel like a cloud. I go where it takes me. A cloud in Autumn. When it comes to it, I cannot help but think of all the terrible things that bring us down. Our government, our broken hearts, our scars that will never heal and all the bad words that always strike there where it hurts the most. In Autumn, I just can’t imagine any of that happening. War, death and broken bones. You might call me crazy, or ignorant. But if I can feel this good at least once a year, for just a little bit and it makes it easier to breathe, easier to live. I’ll take it.

My friend, please, share your story. May the road rise and may your enemies stay far behind you.


I Know You

I think there comes a time in a person’s life where he or she desperately needs to put everything inside them out. I myself turn to writing. Writing is therapy and words can change the world. If not the whole world, then at least ours. To each their own. I myself can relate to this a lot. Henry Rollins has been a very inspiring person on me. His words made me aware of things that were completely ordinary, completely everyday; because I got used to it. But having someone tell them to you, from their own life and you can feel a connection, I must admit, it makes me tremble, it makes the hole in me grow even larger, but it’s the truth and just realizing that I’m not alone, that other’s feel this way, makes it easier to live everyday. Please read this poem and tell me if you feel the same.

I know you.
You were too short.
You had bad skin.
You couldn’t talk to them very well.

Words didn’t seem to work, they lied when they came out of your mouth.
You tried so hard to understand them.
You wanted to be part of what was happening.
You saw them having fun, and it seemed like such a mystery, almost magic.
Made you think, that there was something wrong with you.
You’d look in the mirror trying to find it.
You thought that you were ugly, and that everyone was looking at you.
So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation.

The hours, days, weekends, ah the weekend-nights alone.
Where were you?
In the basement, in the attic, in your room, working some job, just to have something to do, just to have a place to put yourself.
Just to have a way to get away from them, a chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill at ease inside yourself.

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not, for hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire.
If they would laugh at you, if you would know what to do.
If you would have the right things on, if they would notice that you came from a different planet.
Did you get all brave in your thoughts, like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it, and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be… the life of the party?
That all these people were going to talk to you, and that you would find out that you were wrong, that you had a lot of friends, and you weren’t so strange after all.

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited, because they thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you.
You spent a lot of time full of hate.
A hate that was pure as sunshine, a hate that saw for miles, a hate that kept you up at night, a hate that filled your every waking moment.
A hate that carried you for a long time.

Yes I think I know you.
You couldn’t figure out what they saw in the way they were living.

Home, was not home, your room was home.
A corner was home, a place they weren’t, that was home.

I know you, you’re sensitive, and you hide it, because you fear getting stepped on one more time.
It seems that when you show a part of yourself, that is the least bit vulnerable, someone takes advantage of you, one of them, steps on you.
They mistake kindliness for weakness, but you know the difference, you’ve been the brunt of their weakness for years, and strength is something you know a bit about, because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive.
You know yourself very well now, and you don’t trust people, you know them too well.

You try to find that special person, someone you can be with, someone you can touch, someone you can talk to, someone you won’t feel so strange around, and you have found that they don’t really exist,
You feel closer to people on movie screens.

I think I know you.
You spend a lot of time daydreaming and people have made comment to that effect, telling you that you’re ‘self involved’, and self centered, but they don’t know do they?
About the long night shifts alone.
About the years of keeping yourself company, all the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself, so you can imagine someone holding you.
The hours of indecision, self doubt. The intense depression, the blinding hate, the rage that made you stagger. The devastation of rejection.

Well, maybe they do know.
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it.
It astounds you how they can be so smooth, how they seem to pass through life, as if life itself is some divine gift, and it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up.

For you, life is a long trip, terrifying and wonderful.
Birds sing to you at night, the rain and the sun, the changing seasons are true friends. Solitude is a hard-won ally, faithful and patient.


I think I know you.

-Henry Rollins, “Black Coffee Blues”

A riot of my own

In a world where people get ripped off by the government, where they are sick of the oppression on them and the misery that they have to live in; riots, protests and all together Anarchy, seem like a good idea, but if we’re thinking about the real world now, is it really?
Don’t get me wrong, I like the general idea of it and sometimes I let my imagination wonder on how it would really be without government. With that anyone can come to the conclusion that the world would collapse. Government is just something that we put in the dictionary long ago, but things similar to that, existed even longer back. Real anarchists may lecture on the fact on how it could work. People standing up for themselves and relay on each other to survive. Other’s say that anarchism is a form of terrorism, but there is a fine line between order and chaos. Just because someone is against being ruled on and wants to live their own way, does not make them a bomb-making IRA member.
At this point you’re probably wondering why in my eyes anarchism wouldn’t work. Well, because humanity has gotten so used to someone controlling everything. What do I mean by that? If the government were to collapse tomorrow, I don’t see how one country could not bomb or conquer the other. It’s a simple fact; we’re all human. Just because I promise that we can work and live together, doesn’t stop my neighbor from taking a gun and stealing my property, therefore expending his.
I guess what I’m getting at is, that there needs to be an order to things. Yes, I can fully admit that I do not like the government in my own country. Yes, they are corrupt and yes, what they’re doing is basically stealing from us and then covering it up. A politician is just a nicer way of saying thief or criminal.
But back to the first topic of hand.
Protests and riots can in fact achieve something, if people are willing to sacrifice enough. An example; if truck drivers won’t go to work, we’d run out of food eventually. People seize protesting because they don’t want that to happen, but if we let it happen, we’re not the only one’s being affected by it. So is the government. A politician in his BMW won’t go transporting a bag of potatoes to feed his family to save his life!
For a change, we’d need to plan and prepare. Fools can easily turn a protest into a riot and chaos emerges from it.
The problem in that is the damage done afterwards. If you’re set on destroying anything, don’t damage your neighbor’s property. Damage something that the government owns. Riots often turn violent and more people die by the puppets; cops.
Police can be useful to an extent, but there are more instances where they’re completely useless, or do even more damage. They protect the monsters above, but they too will turn, once they turn hungry, once they lose shelter and once their family is suffering. If they were to turn, no one could protect the men in suits from changing things.
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that because a country is in debt, we should raise taxes to pay off what they owe. We are paid less (if we’re paid at all) so the government can buy new cars, rebuild roads that were just a bit bumpy and gushy up tourist attractions. Tax religion!
The smart idea would be to raise pay-checks. Raise the fucking economy so less people would be homeless or jobless. It’s sad.

So this is the point I’m getting at. Things such as Anarchy, Riots and Protests gave people a sense of power. The right kind of power. The kind of power that won’t corrupt. Just the right amount.
It’s something to fantasize about. But fantasies do become realities if we work hard enough for them.

So you’re thinking “But what can I do? Do I really matter?”
Yes, you do matter. About 1 in 5 people ask the same question and more often than not, they don’t do anything. So what can you do?
Educate yourselves. Learn as much as you can about history, politics, law and so on. Learn what matters and if you do, soon you’ll find a way to beat the problem and together we can make a change.
The system failed a long time ago. How could it not? It’s been twisted, changed, bent, twisted and raped so many times that just the sight of it would remind you of a sick twisted experiment. The only way to change that is to bring the system down and start from scratch. The people who will suffer the most are this generation and younger. It’s seems that we’re getting wiser but at the same time, more and more stupider.

Every change started with an idea. Think it through. Fantasize about it. Want it. I want a riot, a riot of my own.


Is music dead?

We’re in the year 2013 and to a lot of people, music is dead. But is it really? Most people (including me) when saying that music is dead are referring that the music they like isn’t in the mainstream anymore. But does that matter at all? We still have our old CD’s and Vinyl’s of course and we listen to them day in and day out. To us it will always be that way. But why is it important for a new band to start being mainstream? To create a new movement I would say. To start something new or to revive something long forgotten, something that’s been pushed underground by the current success of pop music, dubstep and other varieties. What a lot of people don’t realize is that this had happened before many times over. The hippies lost and punk rock came to life. Glam rock sneaked it’s way in and soon the most manliest thing you could do is to steal your girlfriends make up kit. With the success of grunge, that was destroyed. So it continued to about the end of ’99 when everything stopped. All the good bands broke up for various reasons or went on long breaks and once returned, never got their popularity and success back. What I’m trying to say though, is that every generation had what I like to call Heroes. In the 70’s there were Sex pistols and the Ramones. Then came others like Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and so on. Every generation had its own type. Sadly Kurt Cobain died in ’94 and Layne Staley in 2002.
It’s 2013 and I don’t see anyone making a difference anymore. Sure we have huge punk rock concerts, but they’re not in the mainstream. There isn’t a movement anymore. The people who saved us with their music and their words are gone. There are no more rockstars today. No more Heroes. Just veterans in their own art, and by the time we grow up, they’ll already be dead. How many people wished that they’d be born a few years earlier and get to fully enjoy the music that was going on back then? A lot. Me included. But over the years I changed my mind. We’ll always have their music and yes, we feel cheated that we will never see them live ever again.
But this time, it’s our turn. We know what we have to do and we should do it. Make music that would touch people’s harts. Make it as raw as you can, let it all out and don’t hold back. You can’t let people stop you. Everyone has the right to an opinion of their own, just as how I have the right to tell you to go fuck yourself. I won’t accept cute songs. I won’t accept songs about my girlfriend/boyfriend. I won’t accept songs about money and bitches and whatever the hell else turns you on.
There are no rockstars today. Only musicians. But who can make that change and prove me wrong?